I have some anger issues…

Issue 1.
I have difficulty expressing my needs, for fear of becoming angry, or receiving anger from others.

I am worried that if I ask for what I want, I will upset someone else. Which in turn will upset me. So, in the interests of keeping the peace, I will keep schtum. But inside, deep down, I will build frustration, resentment and anger. Plus, people will ‘breach’ boundaries I never got round to expressing — leading me to become resentful, and invariably, some sort of conflict will occur. Often, externally, it will look like ‘they’ are to blame, when I’m really a participant in the whole circus.

Issue 2.
Often, I don’t know what I want until I encounter what I DON’T want, which makes me angry.

Cue the vicious cycle. (See Issue 1) Having not established my boundaries, I inevitably express my needs later on the piece, angrily — helping to generate the conflict I had been so keen to avoid in the first place.

Issue 3.
My fear of anger is wrapped up in the fear of conflict.

There’s a quote from Cheryl Richardson that says it all: ‘If you avoid conflict to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself.’

Issue 4.
I grew up ‘knowing’ that being angry was not ok.

I have been told repeatedly throughout my life, by society, by the media, by friends and family, that you ‘mustn’t be angry.’ For a long time, I believed that ‘I didn’t get angry.’ That I controlled it, I had it in check. If it did appear, I would push it away, somewhere, anywhere. Mostly inside. It’s only as I got older that I realised, like everyone else, I got angry. I started to discover where in my body it would get stored, and how this has affected me, in my life, in my relationships etc.

Issue 5.
I heard, and hear ‘you should do something about your anger’ a lot. No-one ever taught me what, exactly.

Growing up, we were never advised what to do when we were angry, how we could support ourselves, transform it, manage it healthily. Invariably, it seemed to just make other people angry (which, of course anger does — when not dealt with consciously).

Issue 6.
I experienced anger as an expression of power.

Anger was scary, threatening, and often gave the impression of having some access to power. I’ve since learned it’s not usually an expression of power, but often the lack of it.

Issue 7.
I learnt, as a boy, as a man, anger was not welcome.

I learnt that it was scary, threatening, dangerous, not allowed. That it was also, somehow, part of ‘the essence’ of being a man, which I/we should be ashamed of. By association, that man’s anger often leads to violence and destruction. There is a sense it should always be ‘nipped in the bud.’

Issue 8.
I am scared of anger in others, but also in me.

I push it down. I disown it, push it away. I’m fearful of expressing it when it first appears, so it only grows in intensity.

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Does any of these issues resonate with you?

Do you have any other anger issues to add?

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How can we deal with anger issues?

Anger is not an exclusive domain for men, of course, but it presents particular challenges for us to come to terms with.

It is not surprising that the talks and teachings of Jordan Peterson have gained such prominence, and resonated so deeply with many men. He speaks often about the fundamental desire in men to acquire meaning and purpose in their lives, and the acknowledgment of steps they need to take to do so — which he suggests is to harness and embrace the ‘shadow’ sides of themselves, in order to access their full power and presence. He suggests this process supports a deeper desire in men to access an integrated power, in order to make more of themselves, and a greater contribution in the world.

The first challenge is to get in touch with our anger, and inner frustrations. To ‘own’ these feelings, in order to gain understanding, acceptance, and liberation from them. Often, even the invitation to connect with our anger can be challenging — and will often raise one or more of the ‘issues’ listed above.

The next challenge is to find healthy, constructive ways to express or transform it.

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How I work with anger, in my work, with men

Though I don’t work exclusively with men, I am drawn towards working with them. When I do, I offer a space to explore their relationship with anger — with curiosity and compassion, and without blame or judgment.

I understand the underlying, TRUE power of anger — that which wants to be seen, acknowledged, healthily expressed and integrated as part of the whole being, and the whole man.

I understand the costs of NOT integrating anger: learning how to harness it, and use it as part of your vital energy and expression in the world, in the service of creativity and vitality — and to ensure it does not impact on you or your loved ones.

I understand there can be limited tolerance, and little space to explore anger, or even voice it, in the ‘outside’ world.

Through my personal experience, training and exploration, I offer tools and techniques to support the healthy integration of anger, and point people in the direction of those working in this field who can provide specialist support.

I offer this, through several strands of work:

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One-to-one coaching

I am an Animas-trained Transformational Coach with extensive training and experience in personal transformation and wellbeing practices. I offer one-to-one coaching with clients, empowering them to build a life which is aligned with their heart and purpose. This can include work on self-realisation and integration — providing a space for exploring ‘the shadow’ or areas of personal expression, which can include anger. kevinhelas.com

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Mens Work/Workshops

I have extensive experience in Mens work and group/workshop facilitation. I currently help coordinate a series of powerful New Masculinity weekend workshops run by Rebel Wisdom, which offer opportunities for men to explore and integrate aspects of themselves — in support of embodiment of their true masculine essence. ‘Shadow work’ is a pivotal part of the weekend experience.

Rebel Wisdom is a media platform run by David Fuller and Alexander Beiner which features interviews with leading academics and cultural observers exploring a range of issues, including gender dynamics and modes of personal expression. rebelwisdom.co.uk